How can I Forgive Them?

October 22, 2022 John Beeson

“Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die,” Marianne Williamson once said. Look into the eyes of the most bitter person you know and you’ll find unforgiveness. We can all identify the destructive power of unforgiveness in others, but our own unforgiveness is much more slippery to identify. We have a host of reasons why we wouldn’t release someone willy-nilly who has hurt us.

“How can I forgive them?” It’s a question spoken out of a yearning to release the one who has inflicted injury. It’s a question that is spoken out of hurt and sometimes anger.

How do we forgive the person who keeps sinning against us? How do we forgive the one who sins against us in a grievous way? How do we forgive the individual who sins against us and isn’t repentant?

Forgiveness is mandatory as a Christian. In his depiction of how we ought to pray, Jesus ties up with our forgiveness with the forgiveness we offer, “and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors” (Matt 6:12).

Knowing that we will probably choke on that commandment, Jesus offers an explanation for the stakes of our forgiveness at the end of his prayer, “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matt 6:14-15). Goodness gracious. There it is, in black and white. We must forgive the one who has offended us.

Now, to be clear, this is no spiritual tit-for-tat. Jesus is not saying that God will withhold forgiveness from us until we grant it to others. Rather, what Jesus is saying is that the forgiveness we receive from him is demonstrated in our forgiveness of others. Those who have received forgiveness will forgive.

Later in Matthew, Jesus tells a moving parable with just that teaching. He tells one of the most unforgettable short stories ever told. He begins,

“Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.” [Matt 18:23-35]

This is a stunning story. Jesus holds up a mirror to each of us who struggles with forgiveness and says, “Look here, brother. In this mirror you will find the prime offender, the one who requires a breathtaking amount of forgiveness. Who do you see in that mirror? That’s right. It’s you. It’s me.

Jesus says, “Look to the great reservoir of God’s forgiveness. From that deep well offer a scoop of forgiveness to those in need of your forgiveness.

So, let me ask you again: is there anyone you haven’t forgiven? Are you hanging onto something? Are you carrying the burden of unforgiveness? What does that look like? It can look like a lot of things. When you think of that person, you might feel the sharp pain of their injury. You might feel the cauldron of anger boiling in your gut. Or, you might feel completely numb toward them. You might feel nothing. All of these indicate unresolved issues of forgiveness.

How do you move from unforgiveness to forgiveness? Jesus points us first to God’s heart. Take a while considering just how deep God’s forgiveness is for you. Consider the cost of that forgiveness. Spend time reading the accounts of Christ on the cross and see the love of your loving God who loved you so much he gave his Son to pay the price of your sins.

You might also consider speaking to the one who injured you. In most cases it is a good and healthy thing to meet with the one who has sinned against you (the exceptions would include some cases of sexual, physical, or mental abuse). You might need a pastor or counselor present. Come in a humble tone and honestly share how they injured you. Share with them your desire to forgive them. When the one who has sinned against you is able to empathize and share their remorse, the road to forgiveness is easier. Forgiveness is often thwarted because we are too afraid to share our hurt with our offender.

Next, ask a friend to pray that God gives you a heart of forgiveness. Be careful not to step into gossip. But be honest about how much you are struggling. Let them pray for you.

Finally, pray to God. Ask him to turn your heart of stone into a heart of flesh. Pray that he would grant you the ability to forgive where you feel unable to forgive. Be honest with him. Ask him to help you see even deeper his forgiveness of you.

A forgiving Christian is a released Christian. I am praying that you are able to experience the depths of God’s forgiveness for you as you return that forgiveness to others.