Hurt Feelings
IHurt Feelings: How Do We Speak the Truth in Love?
Feelings matter. Even if we are certain that truth is firmly in our grasp, it isn’t appropriate to use it like a whip on the back of the skeptic.
In a desire to restore the balance of perceived power, contemporary Western culture has offered a wider berth for those who have historically wielded less power. Our culture declares that our privilege determines whether or not we are allowed to share “our truth.” Intersectionality doles out chips based on a group’s power. Those who come from advantaged portions of society (take me for instance: a white, cisgender (using our culture’s verbiage), male, heterosexual, Christian) are given fewer chips in order to balance the conversation. In this framework, those with more chips are given more freedom to speak “their truth,” even at the expense of others’ feelings, while those with fewer chips are expected to prioritize others’ feelings over “their truth.” Do you see the double whammy inflicted upon those with fewer chips? Unfortunately, this is how our culture has decided to balance truth and love.
How do we navigate this balancing act as Christians? How do we speak the truth in love?
That phrase—"speaking the truth in love”—was coined by the apostle Paul. Studying the context of that quote will help us unravel how we are called to speak the truth in love.
The quote comes from the fourth chapter of Paul’s letter to the church at Ephesus. It’s worth noting that Ephesus was a town that would fit well in today’s West. A pagan and syncretistic culture, Ephesus was a melding pot of immoral worldviews with lust and greed welded together. Ephesus was the epitome of a “live and let live” culture, so long as you didn’t attack what kept the strange alliances of philosophies and religions in bed together. As long as you didn’t claim that there was “the way,” or call for people to repent of their greed and lust, you wouldn’t be confronted.
Into this context, Paul brought the gospel, which invited people to trust “the way, the truth, and the life,” and repent of their greed and lust because Jesus was the only way to eternal life.
In chapter 4 of his letter to the people at Ephesus, Paul explains how to communicate to a culture whose “truth” contradicts God’s truth. Allow me to quote the entire chapter in full because how he balances the tension of truth and love is critical. Then we will spend some time pulling out how we can imitate and apply Paul’s modeling of the wedding of truth and love.
I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, 2 with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, 3 eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. 4 There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call— 5 one Lord, one faith, one baptism, 6 one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. 7 But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ's gift. 8 Therefore it says,
“When he ascended on high he led a host of captives,
and he gave gifts to men.”
9 (In saying, “He ascended,” what does it mean but that he had also descended into the lower regions, the earth? 10 He who descended is the one who also ascended far above all the heavens, that he might fill all things.) 11 And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers, 12 to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, 13 until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ, 14 so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes. 15 Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, 16 from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.
The New Life
17 Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. 18 They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. 19 They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. 20 But that is not the way you learned Christ!— 21 assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, 22 to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, 23 and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, 24 and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.
25 Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. 26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil. 28 Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. 29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (Ephesians 4)
Let’s consider how Paul speaks of the importance of love and then consider the role of truth.
Love
Paul begins the chapter urging the church at Ephesus “to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which” they have been called. What is this “worthy” manner? Love. What is its telos? Unity. He implores them to bear “with one another in love,” and “with all humility and gentleness, with patience” (Eph 4:2). This will result in God’s purpose for them, maintaining “the unity of the Spirit” (Eph 4:3).
Paul concludes with a similar note, asking them to “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Eph 4:32).
Amid culture wars, Paul casts a vision of a united community actively loving one another, both near and far. Paul believes that this church is the greatest witness to a fractured, confused, and angry culture.
Truth
But Paul is not only concerned about love. Throughout this chapter, Paul is aware of the threat of lies infiltrating the church. He urges the leaders of the church to build up the body of Christ, growing in the “knowledge of the Son of God,” “…so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes” (Eph 4:14).
Paul tells those in the community who have chosen to continue living in their fleshly desires that their lives are flagrantly misrepresenting “the way you learned Christ” (Eph 4:20). The call to righteousness is no mere arbitrary standard, it isn’t religion for the sake of religion, it is because “the truth is in Jesus” (Eph 4:21). Meaning, the truth of who we are meant to be is found in the person of Jesus.
Paul tells those at Ephesus that Christians are truth-tellers who have “put away falsehood.” Paul encourages, “let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor…” (Eph 4:25).
Truth in Love
Paul does not envision truth and love as opposite ends of a pendulum’s swing, as though we need to keep course correcting our truth with love and vice-versa. Instead, think of speaking as a canonball, truth as the barrel, directing speech toward the proper target, and love as the gunpowder, which propels the canonball.
When Paul urges the church to continue “speaking the truth in love” (Eph 4:15), he reminds us that our aim is to be together growing more and more into the likeness of Christ (the truth). What is the power that propels us to that end? Building one another up in love.
Paul echoes this same thought at the conclusion of the passage, when he says, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Eph 4:29). We speak the language of grace to build one another up, that we might together, as Christ’s body, reflect Jesus himself.
Where we Speak the Truth in Love
Notice then, that in a culture fraught with lies, Paul expends his energy not coaching the church how to speak to the corrupted culture, but how to speak to one another. While we are urged to witness to a world in need, our expectations should not be that we can convince a world entrapped by the Deceiver of truth. Our concern begins with the church, those who are called to be set apart.
Paul believes that a church transformed by the truth, loving one another, and growing together in the likeness of Christ is the best witness in a lost world. How much of our energy as Christians is spent trying to battle the lies of a spiritually darkened world? How much of our energy as Christians is spent building one another up by speaking the truth in love?
We are called to be speakers of truth in love in every context. But let us make sure that we are first pouring our encouragement and exhortation to our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ so that we might every day better reflect the matchless beauty of Jesus, together.
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Photo by Jackson Simmer on Unsplash