When I was 20, my childhood church changed leadership. Soon after its vision statement changed. I was across the country in the middle of my undergraduate studies in Bible and theology. Out of the infinite resources of my leadership experience (sarcasm alert!), I generously offered my wisdom free-of-charge and wrote a letter to the new lead pastor. I'm still embarrassed by that letter.

The pastor never responded to my letter, but my hunch is he never forgot it. I've never been able to create a relationship with him, and my guess is he has intentionally kept me at arm's length after that letter. I don't blame him.

Twenty years later, I'm no stranger to being on the receiving end of those letters (and emails, and Facebook messages, and texts). Over the course of these past few strange months under the cloud of COVID-19, I've received more feedback than any other season of ministry. Every letter is an opportunity for me as a leader to grow in wisdom and humility. But every message takes an emotional and spiritual toll as well.

This season has caused me to reflect on that embarrassing letter and how I might do things differently if I could. Paul tells Timothy elders are “worthy of double honor” (1 Timothy 5:17). How do we show double honor to our pastors when we think that there is criticism we should offer?

Here are five questions I wish I could have asked my 20-year-old self before he sent that critical letter:

1.       How close is your relationship?

The truth is, I was merely an acquaintance with the pastor. Was it wise for my first substantive communication to be criticism?

I've preached sermons and afterward have had congregants I don't know come up and offer no other comment other than to correct something I missaid. As a pastor, I'm in an awkward position. I want to receive criticism well, but more importantly, I want to get to know them. Worse still is the anonymous commenter on an online service.

Imagine that you frequent Red Robin. Your hope isn't just to get delicious food, but to befriend the employees. One day you get a cheeseburger with a hair in it. That's going to create some relational strain. If on previous visits, you've told your waitress that you appreciate her friendly hospitality and how hard she works, the day you get a hair in your cheeseburger it might strengthen your relationship. If your first conversation with the waitress is the hair-in-my-cheeseburger conversation, that's going to be a challenging way to start a friendship.

You and your pastor are part of a local body together, and God intends for you to have a relationship with each other.[i] Trust is necessary for any healthy relationship. A criticism without relational context will make building a relationship challenging. You are no mere customer at his church, but a partner in God's mission. Your first aim isn't to improve your church's product, but to develop relationships.

The less you know your pastor, the less criticism you ought to share. Before sharing criticism, I would suggest leaning in and getting to know your pastor: hear his heartbeat, ask how you can pray for him. Let him know that you are for him. Then, when you offer criticism, then, it will be done in the context of a relationship where your pastor knows you are for him.

2.       How much have you served?

I penned my critical letter to my childhood church from 2,500 miles away. I served faithfully as a high schooler but was now just a summer-attender at the church. The reality is my pastor had no idea of any track record I had of service. He shouldn't have. I never took the initiative to build on-going support to him and the church.  

Service indicates investment and commitment. If you have not invested much, you shouldn't criticize much.

One of the most common forms of low-grade criticism pastors receive is from congregants who are passionate for a ministry and are concerned that their church isn't serving the community in a way that aligns with their particular passion. It is good to be enthusiastic about the causes God has laid on your heart. Be faithful with God’s prompting. But don't expect your church to necessarily lead the charge.

God's call on your local church might be different than the personal passions he laid on your heart. It might be disobedient for them to divert resources to go after your calling. And, if you're not offering to lead that ministry, then your recommendation is doubly-unhelpful. You are not only insisting that your pastor share your passion, but you are now saddling him with the responsibility to discover and recruit a team leader with an aligned calling and develop a team.

3.       How much encouragement have you offered?

When I wrote my letter, I had never once reached out to my pastor with encouragement. I hadn't shared with him that I appreciated how relatable he was, or what a powerful storyteller he was, or that his heart for the lost was inspiring. It didn't matter that I thought all of those things. I had never shared them with him.

Counselor Henry Cloud says that in healthy relationships a minimum of five meaningful encouragements are shared for every one criticism. Before you fire off that email, step back and ask yourself: have you praised your pastor five meaningful times? That Facebook “thumbs up” or that time in February you said “nice sermon” on your way out of church doesn’t count. I guarantee you that he doesn’t remember these encouragements. Think of ways people have gone above and beyond to encourage you and consider how you might similarly encourage your pastor.  

4.       How serious is the issue?

This question requires a high level of self-awareness. I wrote my letter because I genuinely thought the issue was a serious one. In retrospect, it wasn’t as grave as I thought it was.

I encourage you to check yourself. If you're upset by a new ministry or by your pastor wearing a t-shirt or by his perspective on a text, check and see if any other reputable sources have launched that questionable ministry, or have such a casual style, or have that perspective on that text. Start with the assumption that many other reputable leaders are in his camp. The issue probably isn't as serious as you think it is.

Note what I didn't say here: the way to check the severity of an issue isn’t to take it up with your small group or with friends at the church. That is gossip and will only create division.

5.       Are you trying to prove you are smart?

Oof. My 20-year-old-self needed this check. I wouldn't have agreed at the time, but undoubtedly part of my motivation for writing the letter was to prove my theological mettle to my new pastor. I was hoping his respect for me would increase. Folly!

Let me assure you, your criticism will never convince a pastor that you're someone to be trusted. Some of the most dangerous people in a congregation are those whose theological knowledge surpasses their character. I'll take a thousand theological simpletons who reflect Christ's heart before I'll take one arrogant theological genius.

Authority, Honor, and Encouragmeent

Ours is a world that distrusts authority and leaders. To be an American is to be suspicious of authority and chafe at those who wear the mantle. But the picture of the believer in the New Testament is of one where leaders serve and those under leadership honor their leaders. “Outdo one another in showing honor,” Paul says in Romans 12:10.

Not a word here ought to be twisted to protect pastors who have used their authority for selfish gain or to diminish those under their care. Every leader can grow from criticism, no matter the source or the intention. It is my responsibility to humble myself and grow from every critique. But that truth doesn't let the one offering criticism off the hook without blame. In 1 Thessalonians 5:11, Paul says, "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." The author of Hebrews says, "And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds… encouraging one another…" (Hebrews 10:24-25). We ought to be marked by our encouragement.

May my leadership by characterized by my encouragement, not my criticism. And may the way I follow also be characterized by my encouragement, not my criticism. In so doing, I build up those around me and honor the source of every encouragement: Jesus Christ. 

Photo by Andre Hunter on Unsplash

[i] This isn’t a comment about how close that relationship should be. Obviously, at a church of one hundred or less, you will likely have a closer relationship with your pastor than if you attend a church of 1,000. But, in both cases, your pastor is charged to care for the flock and I am sure he wants to know your name and your story (if he doesn’t, that’s a different story).