"Keep your feet shoulder-width apart, move your dominant foot a little closer to the basket, loosen your hips and shoulders, and let it go!" I coached my kids' basketball teams for years and tweaked dozens of kids' jump shots. Nothing is more fun for a coach than watching a kid start to get it. I remember watching one of the girls I coached who couldn't get the ball to the rim with her two-handed shove-shot at the beginning of her first year, hit three-pointers in a game just a couple of years later. That is the ultimate rush for a coach!
In my years as a counselor, I've learned that the counseling office isn't so different from the basketball court. This is particularly challenging during couples counseling. Counselees looking to win or prove themselves view the counselor as their personal Judge Judy. They pounce when the counselor appears to be siding with them and grow defensive when the counselor offers critical feedback for their choices.
A good counselor isn't an arbiter. A wise counselor isn't there to side with you, but to come alongside the Spirit of God as a comforter, truth-speaker, and agent of sanctification. A good counselor is a spiritual coach.
As any coach knows, some kids are easy to coach, and others are not. I've found that there are four primary motivations for kids in sports:
1. To win: nothing matters more than the scoreboard.
2. To prove themselves: more than anything, these kids want validation from the coach.
3. To have fun: these kids want to enjoy the ride and take the easy way out.
4. To get better: these kids are willing to do anything to improve.
Only one of these kids is a pure joy to coach. You've got it: number four—the kids who are there primarily to improve. Kids who want to win care too much about the scoreboard and not enough about the process. Kids who want to prove themselves aren't good team players. Kids who want to have fun are great to have on the team, but don't work hard to improve. Type three would prefer a playground with no coach or referee. Types one and two would prefer just a referee. Only type four wants a coach.
One of my favorite stories in the Bible occurs right as Israel enters the Promised Land. Joshua stands with Jericho's walls in the distance.
13 When Joshua was by Jericho, he lifted up his eyes and looked, and behold, a man was standing before him with his drawn sword in his hand. And Joshua went to him and said to him, "Are you for us, or for our adversaries?" 14 And he said, "No; but I am the commander of the army of the Lord. Now I have come." And Joshua fell on his face to the earth and worshiped and said to him, "What does my lord say to his servant?" 15 And the commander of the Lord's army said to Joshua, "Take off your sandals from your feet, for the place where you are standing is holy." And Joshua did so. (Joshua 5:13-15)
Joshua thinks like you and me: a powerful man stands before him. He wants to know whether he is a friend or a foe. "Are you with me?" And God (for this is no mere angel, but God Almighty) informs Joshua that he misunderstands. In the presence of the Almighty, the only question is whether or not you are on his side.
Now, of course, your counselor is not God. However, a wise and godly counselor recognizes that their role is to speak God's truth (and compassion and mercy) to you. And only rarely will that truth be, "You are exactly right."
Just as my goal as a coach was to help each of my kids improve, so my hope as a counselor is to help come alongside those I have the blessing of caring for as an agent of sanctification and transformation in their lives. But I am a much better coach if your heart isn't self-protective and angling to get me on your side. The work you do on your heart as you pray for a soft heart, humility, and conviction will set you up for God's work in the counseling office.
One of the most significant challenges in any relationship is choosing to not defend yourself. We latch onto faulty accusations and defend ourselves instead of hearing the broader concerns and receiving feedback mixed in its truthfulness.
God can do miracles in the counseling office, but don't expect those miracles to just be for your spouse (or child or friend). Will you let him work on your heart, too?
Don't forget, your counselor isn't your referee.
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Photo by Nathan Shively on Unsplash