Marriage

This Week’s Recommendations

This Week’s Recommendations
  1. What’s Allowed in Married Sex? Ray Ortlund writes with such gentle wisdom. He begins, “The sexual chaos of our times does not free us. It pressures us. It confronts us with questions we didn’t raise or even want. It claims to offer us ever-expanding options. But the truth is, our hyper-sexual culture robs us of the joy of our personal discoveries within the safety and integrity of a Christian marriage.”

  2. Three Questions for Evangelism: Paul Levy’s questions are simple and empowering. What if we all tried just one of these in the next week?

  3. The God of Your Troubled Heart: Craig Thompson puts us into the shoes of John the Baptist. He says, “Maybe you have been like John. Maybe there have been times in your life when you questioned your relationship with or commitment to Jesus. Maybe you doubted that Jesus was who he claimed to be, or that he could possibly love you.”

  4. Monomania is Illiberal and Stupefying: Jonathan Haidt is concerned about monomania, “an exaggerated and unhealthy obsession with one thing.” Instead, Haidt believes, “we need critics to make us smarter, and that we should have no confidence in our beliefs until we have exposed them to intense challenge and have considered alternative views.”

  5. Bobby McFerrin Demonstrates the Power of the Pentatonic Scale: It’s incredible how intuitive music is.

Choosing 8

Choosing 8

I am blessed to have so many special people in my life. My sister (Sarah) and her husband (Anders) are two such people. At age 22, they might have been two of the least likely people you could have imagined to be where they are today: homeschool parents of eight kids. Both coming from families of four, Sarah was enrolled in medical school on the way to becoming a doctor. It seemed as likely they would hit the lottery than they would choose the path to become the family they have become. I had the opportunity to sit down with Sarah and Anders and listen to the story of how God led them to choose to have eight kids.

I hope as you read this you might consider where God is calling you and where he is asking you to trust him in your life right now. Where is he inviting you into deeper faith?

Tell me the story of how you two fell in love.

Anders (A): It all started at your (John’s) wedding. We had a lot of time to talk and have fun together. We clicked and deeper conversations were natural. I left that week feeling like Sarah was somebody I really wanted to get to know more. We emailed for six months until I graduated. Then, I moved out to Phoenix to be near you and Angel. I was shy and didn’t want to put any pressure on Sarah, but I wanted to be closer to her. We got to spend a lot of time together that summer and I got to know her really well.

Right before she went back to Stanford in the fall, we finally had our first date.

This Week’s Recommendations

This Week’s Recommendations
  1. Husbands, Be Like Adam: Usually we consider the ways Adam failed as a husband. But he did succeed in at least one way. Aaron Sironi explains that, “When we experience a dire situation, we are tempted to wallow in shame and to despair and turn against others. We must remember and believe God’s promises and his Good News, but not just for ourselves. We must turn in faith and love and speak with hopeful confidence to those around us.”

  2. I’m Not All That Awesome: Adam Ramsey explains, “The gospel means that I’m not all that awesome. But I am loved. And that’s awesome. The gospel frees me to be honest about the ways I fall short instead of being crushed by them, because it reminds me that Jesus was crushed for me.”

  3. I Do Ordinary Work: Dan Doriani explains that ordinary work is beautiful work. He concludes, “So let us lay down the deflating rhetoric of “I just” and affirm the value of ordinary work. Let us also look to change our corner of the world, even if our corner is modest and only a few notice what we do. If our Lord sees it, that should be enough.”

  4. Fear No Evil: My friend Anne Imboden reflects on fear that grabs our heart and how to navigate it. She says, “Fear comes in two forms: rational and irrational. When we’re young, irrational fears are common. Monsters under our bed, for example. I myself had a ridiculously irrational fear of swallowing pills. I was sure the pill, however small it was, would lodge itself in my throat and I would suffocate. I insisted on taking all medicines in liquid form until I was in high school.”

  5. How Do We Overcome Sexual Sin? Bob Kelleman points us to analyze our longings. He says, “Jesus knows all about all of us. As our Creator, He knows that our core issue is a worship issue. That’s why, with the Samaritan woman, He doesn’t focus on her “co-dependency” or even her “sexual addiction” per se. Jesus focuses on her core spiritual thirst.”

This Week’s Recommendations

This Week’s Recommendations
  1. Your Spouse Doesn’t Have to Be Your Best Friend: Shane Morris thinks that friendship in marriage is important, but that we can miss out on other friendships God has for us. He begins, “Perhaps you’ve noticed the popular recasting of marriage as primarily a very close friendship. Young couples (frequently when posting photos of each other on social media) will say, ‘I married my best friend.’”

  2. Five Things to Say to Help a Depressed Christian: Simple, but important advice from Eliza Huie. She begins with this, “God cares about your suffering. Your pain matters. God isn’t looking down hoping you get it together soon. He loves you. He grieves with you. And he cares that you are hurting.”

  3. Learning from the Hours: TM Suffield explains the theological significance of how the days are explained in Genesis 1, “’And there was evening and there was morning, the first day’ and each day thereafter. Evening, then morning. That’s backwards.”

  4. Giving in Retirement: What should giving look like in retirement? CJ Cagle explains. One question he asks is, “Which is a greater priority: spending and giving or leaving an inheritance? The biggest challenge with this question is that the Bible seems to encourage all these things.”

  5. The Universe on a Human Scale: I could watch videos like this all day long. How great is our Creator?

This Week’s Recommendations

This Week’s Recommendations
  1. Can Our Loved Ones in Heaven See Us? Randy Alcorn concludes that, “So, I believe Scripture clearly suggests our loved ones now in Heaven are witnessing, in at least some capacity, God’s unfolding plan on earth. They live in a place where joy is the air they breathe, and nothing they see on earth can diminish their joy. Their happiness doesn’t depend on ignorance, but perspective, drawn from the Christ in whose presence they live.”

  2. Joy and Idol Smashing: Glenna Marshall reflects on 18 years of marriage. She says, “Nothing kills a marriage like idolatry,” I heard my husband say recently. Healthy, Christian marriages require a lot of idol-smashing. Being angry, being right, money, intimacy, parenting, miscommunication—there’s no end to the ways we can idolize ourselves and what we want from our spouses.”

  3. 4 Ways to Fight Sexual Temptation: J. Garrett Kell begins by telling us, “The Scriptures liken Satan to a closely crouching snake or lion who is provoking passions within us that war against our souls.2 We must choke temptation to death—it is the only way out.”

  4. Learning to Enjoy Rest: Laura d’Entremont shares a story every parent identifies with, of trying to comfort a child who needs rest but refuses to sleep. She speaks to her boy, “’Baby boy,’ I whispered. ‘You’re tired; you need sleep.’” She shares how similar we are.

  5. A Vision for Engaging Post-Christian Culture: Samuel James concludes, “When we look out and see our post-Christian society, we should not see an impenetrable wall of secularism. We should see what’s actually happening: worship, worship, worship. The soul-cries of those who live haunted by the specter of transcendent truth could scarcely be louder.”

Our Restored Story

Our Restored Story

In the weeks following Angel’s confession of adultery I was in a state of shock. I was asked to take a leave of absence from the church, which was difficult for me to accept. From the time I was ten, my understanding of my identity was inextricable from my calling as a pastor. I was about to no longer be a pastor.

The next six months would be the most difficult time of my life. Angel’s confession of her affair would be peeled back. Her confession of one affair became confessions of a series of affairs and I would have to come face-to-face with the ugliness of my own heart.

Counseling was really rocky as well. I thought we would be working to repair the damage and rebuild our relationship, but what our counselors quickly became aware of was that Angel had compartmentalized a significant amount of the previous two-and-a-half years. Every session peeled back more hurtful layers.

ANGEL:

I had not intentionally held back from John the layers of my infidelity.

But, in my self-hatred I had compartmentalized swaths of sin that I wouldn’t be able to face without months of counseling.

Beyond my ongoing affair with a man in our church, I had also been involved in a series of other sexual encounters, most of which were one-night stands.

Our Broken Story

Our Broken Story

This week we were featured over at Reclaimed Story in both blog and podcast. It begins:

We were just kids: 14 and 16 years old. A freshman and a junior. We went to the same high school and the same church. John was the leader of our campus Christian club.

ANGEL:

The first time I met him I thought, “That’s the man I want to marry.” We married at 19 and 21, respectively, and we were what most people thought was the “perfect couple”. We heard it many times: “I want a relationship like yours!”

Fast forward 18 years to a campus ministry retreat in Lake Pleasant, New York. As the music swells I begin shaking and weeping. I can’t keep living in lies. I collapse into a chair. John joins me. I speak over the worship, “I’ve been having an affair. “

This Week's Recommendations

This Week's Recommendations

1. 4 Traits to Seek in a Spouse: David Qaoud concludes his sound advice with this, “Everyone marries the wrong person. Everyone is wrong because of sin. But a robust view of total depravity, and a firm understanding of providence, doesn’t mean you should have low standards for who you marry.”

2. I Am My Father’s Son: This is a powerful story of hope from Greg Lucas, who had a terrible relationship with his father. He concludes, “Like my dad, and failing fathers everywhere, I rest in the promises of the gospel. The promise of redemption, forgiveness, and grace. And through these promises I can proclaim with confidence and joy, I am my Father’s son.

3. Sometimes I Think I Hear Singing: Andrea Sanborn encourages us to have ears to hear God’s singing… I read this one twice it was so perfect. She says, “We look for the spectacular, for a jolt of awareness. For miracles. But God, who clothed himself in ordinary flesh, also comes on ordinary days, in just a subtle stirring in the soul; a hint of heaven. Can you sense it?”

4. River Runner: How cool is this tool? Let a raindrop fall anywhere you want in the United States and see where it ends up.

5. America’s Racial History and Christians: In this video, Justin Giboney with a thoughtful response to an important issues for all American Christians. He argues that, to speak faithfully and biblically, “We must not only confront the lies that offend us, but also the lies that serve us.”

In Honor of My Beloved on Her 40th

In Honor of My Beloved on Her 40th

Tomorrow my beautiful wife, Angel, turns 40. I’ve known Angel since she was 14, a freshman at Canyon del Oro High School. She has the same magnetic personality she did then, but the years have added depth and wisdom.

Marrying young is hard. God had a lot of work to do on me and Angel (and still does!). But there is also joy. It is an honor to be a close companion to God’s refining work in another’s life for so long. It is a mercy to know and be known.

I’ve seen God shape Angel’s flighty spirit into grounded stillness. I’ve seen God transform Angel’s heart that, at times, struggled with discontentment, to a heart that overflows with gratitude. I’ve seen God patiently draw Angel into a vocational calling she wrestled with (those God has blessed by having Angel enter their lives as counselor are grateful she submitted!).

Your Marriage Doesn't Need Better Communication

Your Marriage Doesn't Need Better Communication

“The biggest problem in our marriage is our communication.” It’s perhaps the most frequent issue that is brought to the table when Angel (my wife and counselor) and I meet with couples. At the core of many marriage seminars and conferences is the issue of how to improve the communication in your marriage.

I don’t buy it. Your marriage doesn’t need better communication.

Alright, alright. I’m overstating that for dramatic effect. There are some helpful things you can do to improve communication in your marriage. But the fact remains: I’ve yet to encounter a marriage that the fundamental issue is communication. More serious issues always lurk beneath the surface.

The reason that communication is often fore-fronted is that it is a neutral issue. Being a poor communicator isn’t a sin. We think if we can just learn new techniques, we will experience renewal in our marriage.

Communication isn’t your issue. Sin is your issue. Or, to put it in James’s language, your desires are your issue.