We were stuck. “I’m done with the marriage,” she said. Years of subtle neglect had shut her down. She would remain married, but there would be no marriage. He was desperate. He heard his wife’s hurt and confessed his neglect. He was willing to change. In our sessions thereafter, he appeared earnest and his actions seemed to prove his sincerity. But she didn’t trust him and wouldn’t let down her guard.
Deep down I felt something was amiss, but didn’t know what it was. Several times she assured us that there was no other man involved.
Then the day came. I knew from the moment I greeted them in the lobby that something was very different. His face was shattered. Her mascara was smeared. As soon as we were in the room it came out, she had been having an affair.
Making space for grief and truth, healing could finally begin.
Satan’s shadow is shame. Jesus calls the Enemy the “father of lies” “because there is no truth in him” (Jn 8:44). We might also call him “the father of secrets.”
“No one will understand.” “I’ll lose my job.” “My children will disown me.” “My wife will leave me.” “No one will look at me the same.”
The voice of shame is consistent. It catastrophizes and wants us to hide our secrets. Shame begets more shame as we create new secrets to cover up past secrets. It tells us that the pain will be too much, that things will get better over time if we just keep our secret hidden for a little longer.
Shame is a liar. Your secrets will keep you sick.
Have you ever disclosed sin to a trustworthy and godly friend? What happened? Did your friend shun you? Crush you with unfeeling rebuke? I bet not. I bet they listened. They might have teared up with you. Perhaps they put a hand on your shoulder. They thanked you for your honesty and told you that God was with you.
John reminds us that “God is light, and in him there is no darkness at all” (1 Jn 1:5). The Enemy hides in the shadows, but God illuminates our hearts. John continues, “If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us” (Jn 1:6-10).
How many times have you shaded the truth when confronted by your sin because of shame? How many times have you minimized it or even flat out lied about it? It’s a sickening feeling, isn’t it? Meanwhile, as hard as it is to confess, how does it feel afterward? Like a door on a shuttered cabin being opened to a bright spring day. Can you smell the fresh breeze? Feel the warmth of the sun on your skin?
You are not alone in your shame! Hanging naked and humiliated, Jesus endured the most horrific, excruciating death in history which included unimaginable public shame. “He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed” (Isa 53:3-5).
Why would Jesus do this? For both joy and scorn. Hebrews 12:2 says, “looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” Jesus focused on and was motivated by the joy that was to come through his resurrection and restoration to glory in Heaven and reunion with us, his people. So it is with your resurrection in Christ: look at the joy to come—a perfect reunion with God and others. In despising the shame, Jesus choses to disregard the disgrace of the cross as trivial in comparison to the coming glory and eternal salvation of souls through his once and for all death. Jesus absorbed your shame so that you may be raised to new life!
When we as believers live life in the light, we should still expect the “father of lies” and his minions to taunt us with shame scripts and whispers of lies. How do fight this? In Luke 10:19, Jesus tells us “Behold, I have given you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall hurt you.” Jesus has given us power over all the enemy (including serpents and scorpions representing demonic opposition), he has won the victory, and from a place of victory, having all power in heaven and earth, gives us authority over all his power. He has power over every demonic force. And he has power over your shame.
Don’t let your secrets keep you sick. The Lord of light invites you into his sunlit valley to experience his hope and freedom.
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Photo by Samuel Ramos on Unsplash