Leadership

6 Ways a Pastor Should Respond to a Departing Congregant

6 Ways a Pastor Should Respond to a Departing Congregant

I sat across the room from the couple, trying to slow down my mind and open my heart to the criticism they were leveling at me. They had been offended by my sermon and had reacted on Facebook, indicating they were leaving the church. I reached out privately and asked if we could meet to talk. They agreed to do so. When we met, he was relatively calm, but she was very upset and I knew that I needed to hold my own emotions in check to be able to listen to the heart of what she was saying and respond in love, not hurt. As I had prayed to prepare for the meeting I genuinely didn’t think I was going to be able to ask for forgiveness for anything as I didn’t think I had done anything wrong. But in the midst of the meeting God opened my heart to see an area of blindness. I was able to ask and receive their forgiveness for the way this blind spot had injured them. I then asked if they would be willing to ask for forgiveness for their slander. They were willing to do so and I forgave them.

These are not the meetings that you anticipate when you sign up to be a pastor, but there are few moments more important in your ministry than these tense conversations.

Over the course of this series, I’ve reflected on a congregant’s responsibility, but pastors and leaders bear a responsibility to help congregants navigate departures well.

One friend wisely said, “I think the pastor needs to do his part in hearing the discord, attempt to reconcile, and when reconciliation is not the solution for continued membership, to ensure a good relocation.” She’s right. Here are six ways a leader should respond to those who are leaving:

6 Things You Should Do Before You Leave Your Church

6 Things You Should Do Before You Leave Your Church

So, you’ve decided to leave your church: you’re moving, or you’ve come to a doctrinal impasse, or there has been conflict that you’ve tried to navigate, but the church has been unwilling to biblically walk through a peacemaking process to bring about reconciliation.

As a pastor, every person who leaves the church hurts. As a pastor of ten years, there have been hundreds that have left the churches I’ve served at and I can only think of a very small handful that I was glad to see go. Every goodbye is painful.

But, as we discussed last week, there are times to say goodbye (although a lot fewer than we are encultured to believe). When you say goodbye, say goodbye well. Sadly, in today’s culture, most of us say goodbye very poorly (usually by not saying goodbye at all, just slipping away). We’re called to say goodbye in a harder, but better, way.

The Attacks Don't Only Come from One Side

The Attacks Don't Only Come from One Side

I grew up in an evangelical church, navigated a mainline seminary, and now pastor an evangelical church. Having inhabited both conservative and liberal worlds, I am aware of the ideological threats on both sides. I have often found myself in rooms where I was the lone conservative and I’ve been in other rooms where I was suspected of being a closet liberal. The Multi-Directional Leader struck home in the challenges I have dealt with as a leader.

Trevin Wax's The Multi-Directional Leader comes in at just under 100 pages. thesis is this: most under-shepherds of God's flock are concerned about threats from only one direction. The faithful under-shepherd, however, is aware of threats to the sheep from all sides. The importance of this simple thesis cannot be understated.

Wax says that the temptation to be one-dimensional comes from within and without. In writing to Timothy, Paul warned preachers of the temptation to scratch itching ears. There will always be those within our congregations who want to hear alarms only of the dangers that come from one side.

A Career of Leadership Lessons: an Interview with My Mom, Pagie Beeson

A Career of Leadership Lessons: an Interview with My Mom, Pagie Beeson

A few months ago my mom completed ten years as Department Head of Speech and Hearing Sciences at the University of Arizona. She is now “retired” from that role and continues serving as a professor. My mom is one of the most skilled leaders I’ve had the chance to learn from. With her retirement as department head in the rear-view mirror, I took the opportunity to sit down with her in order to benefit from her insight.

When did you first think of yourself as a leader?

The first leadership position I recall was serving in student council in junior high. I didn’t think of it so much as leadership, rather, it was a way to get involved. I cared and I liked the people, so I was happy to serve. I’ve always thought that leadership is more about caring and guiding, than ambition or the desire to revolutionize things.

Over the course of high school and college I was asked to serve in various leadership capacities and was always willing to do so. Even as department head, I agreed to the position because I was asked to serve. At the time, I was the logical person. To be honest, I would have been happy supporting someone else in the role so that I could focus more on my research and teaching. But, I knew I could do it and I was willing to lead for the good of the group.

How do you view your calling as a leader?

I know that I’ve been given some gifts that are important for leadership. Perhaps my strongest abilities are relational; I typically work well with people. The interpersonal part of the role came easily, even when working with those with higher authority. It has never scared me because I always viewed administrators as people like everyone else, not just as authority figures, but real people whom I enjoyed getting to know.

Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

This summer Christianity today released a podcast series entitled “The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill.” I encourage you to check it out. It’s as gripping as it is sobering. In it, Mike Cosper gives the history of the formation of Mars Hill Church. The podcast follows Mark Driscoll’s beginnings as a church planter in 1996 when he launched Mars Hill in Seattle to his quick rise to fame to the church’s ultimate collapse. The details are excruciating. It’s heartbreaking that such an influential community could have gone from leading such a huge cultural wave to closing its doors in a matter of years (Mars Hill ceased to exist in 2014).

Driscoll’s consolidation of power and elimination of personal or organizational checks was the reason for Mars Hill’s tragic demise. It’s easy to watch from the sidelines in judgment, but Mars Hill ought to be a warning to every leader. If you set Driscoll’s bombastic style and troublesome theology aside, there is an important lesson here for every leader: we must never cease to submit ourselves to one another.

This Week's Recommendations

This Week's Recommendations

1. The Solution to America’s Theological Salad Bar: Paul Peterson deconstructs the 2020 State of Theology Findings that leave any astute reader scratching their head. How is it the case that 72% of Americans agree that “There is one true God in three persons: God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit.” And yet, “52% of Americans claim, ‘Jesus was a great teacher, but he was not God.” The results are baffling. Peterson tries to make sense of the mess. He explains that, “It helps to know what most Americans believe, but even more so, we must grasp how Americans believe, if we might engage them with the truth. Those cultural Christians who attend church on Christmas and Easter can select orthodox-looking statements about God on a survey. Still, their approach to knowledge prepares them to depart from Christian teaching further down the salad bar line. A culture that ingests “Be yourself” will also absorb “Believe yourself.””

2. How Much Money is Enough? (And Other Wisdom from Proverbs): We just finished a series on the book of Proverbs. There are some excellent little gems Geiger has in here we didn’t even get to!

3. The Wait of All Waits: Brittany Lee Allen reflects on waiting and then asks these convicting questions, “All of our waiting points to the wait of all waits. Jesus is coming back. We will see him face to face and leaving all this world behind us, we will live in eternity with our Savior. Do we yearn for that day as much as we do for earthly things? Do I long for Jesus to return more than I do for another baby? Sometimes I wonder if I hope to see his face more than I hope for healing from chronic pain?”

4. Congregations of Bruised Reeds: My friend Benjamin Vrbicek shares that we all are the bruised, but serve a God who sees our bruising. He offers this pastoral wisdom, “Over the last decade of pastoral ministry, I have learned the time required to heal from abuse and other trauma is always longer than I would have guessed.”

5. Shadows in the Sky: I’m a total sucker for videos that display a sliver of the breathtaking glory and power of our Almighty God. Don’t multi-task when you watch this one.

A Summer Read for Everyone

A Summer Read for Everyone

Summer is here! I hope it brings some extra sun, water, and books into your life.

Here are six suggestions I recommend.

For Fun

Rule of Law by Randy Singer

When a SEAL Team Six mission ordered by the president goes awry, lives are devastated. Who is to blame? What political wheeling and dealing is happening behind-the-scenes?

Rule of Law is another strong addition to the Randy Singer file of legal dramas. At the center of this drama is a young lawyer, Paige Chambers, who takes on the US Government. Singer does an excellent job of humanizing each of his characters and dealing fairly with the nuances and challenges of international law. My favorite thing about Rule of Law was the appearance of a handful of characters from earlier Singer novels.

This Week's Recommendations

This Week's Recommendations

1. Most Americans Embrace Spirituality and Religion, Even Atheists: Also of note is the large gap between spirituality and religion. Aaron Earls reports, “Yet even among the quarter of Americans who do not identify with a religion (atheists, agnostics, and those who say they are “nothing in particular”), most still describe themselves as a spiritual person.”

2. Characteristics of Churches That Keep Young Adults: This is a great addition to the two posts I recently wrote on raising teens to love the church. Aaron Earls begins with the importance of sincerity. He says, “When teenagers see church members as insincere, they are more likely to drop out. Relatively few young adults say the church they attended as a teenager was insincere, but dropouts say this more often.”

3. One of the Ugliest Sights in the World: Tim Challies begins with a scene we’ve all witnessed, “One of the ugliest sights in the world is that of a child who rules over his parents. We have all seen it, I’m sure. We have seen parents who tiptoe around their child’s cries, their child’s demands, their child’s outbursts of anger. They will do whatever he dictates, give whatever he commands. We look on with horror, knowing they have set their child on a path to destruction.”

4. Brothers, We Should Stink: Thabiti Anyabwile explains that godly pastors live among the sheep. He says, “Do you know how to tell the difference between sheep and wolves in sheep’s clothing? Sheep eat grass; wolves eat sheep — it doesn't matter how prettily they are dressed.”

5. What is Christianity? This is a simple and clear three-minute visual presentation of the gospel.

What I Read in 2020 (and What You Might Want to Read in 2021)

What I Read in 2020 (and What You Might Want to Read in 2021)

In 2019 I read 101 books, which was a personal high for me, at least since I’ve been keeping track. I expected to tail off that number in 2020. And then COVID-19 struck. With fewer social gatherings than ever and more quiet nights at home, my reading actually increased. A new high-water mark for books resulted: 115.

2020 was also a year that provided plenty of internal reasons to need the companion of books. I read loads from other pastors and leaders on how they were navigating leading through COVID (given the immediacy of the issue, most of that was by way of blogs, not books). The fracturing of the nation over issues of race and racism had me diving deep on that topic. I’m still processing much of that, but I do plan on sharing more about what I’m learning about race and racism on my blog in the future.

2020 also saw the publication of my first book (co-authored with Benjamin Vrbicek), giving me a new appreciation for the labor of love every author has in bringing a book into the world. Thank you to those who read Blogging for God’s Glory in a Clickbait World. I’m grateful you let Benjamin and I spend several hours with you.

Let me start with my three favorite books of 2020.

Would you Extend Grace to Your Pastor?

Would you Extend Grace to Your Pastor?

I may or may not know your pastor. But I know one thing: your pastor is tired.

I have the blessing of being a part of a couple of local pastors’ groups and am friends with a number of pastors outside of those groups. While we come from a broad spectrum theologically and denominationally, we all share the same experience of leading a church through COVID-19. We are worn out.

I know you’re tired as well. This has been an exhausting stretch for all of us. My heart with this post isn’t to have you pull out your violin for pastors, nor is it to diminish the challenges of non-pastors during this time. My heart is to give you a peek behind the curtains so that we might grow in grace with one another.

I will first explain six reasons why this season has been so hard for your pastor, and then I will share six ways you can show your pastor grace.

Why has this season been particularly trying?

1. COVID-19

Pastoring the sick when you can’t visit a hospital is frustrating. Pastoring those who are at risk and are fearful has been a challenge, especially when you can’t meet with them face-to-face.

2. Masks

Whatever decision you make as a church about wearing masks will meet heavy criticism from some contingent. We’ve lost several people (we know of) from our congregation over our decisions around masks. It’s heartbreaking.

3. Politics

Everything seems to be viewed through the lens of politics: masks, race, decisions to open your church facility or not. Data tells us that Americans are consuming massive amounts of news coverage. Many view the world through red or blue-tinted glasses. One of my pastor friends recently texted me, “Polarization tells people to bundle every possible statement as part of some partisan agenda, which makes saying anything a losing position. The bind I wrestle with is how to simultaneously be a human (who has my convictions and thoughts on everything), a pastor, and non-polarizing.” Most pastors believe that the Bible speaks in contradistinction to both American political parties. Both are out of step in their own way with a biblical vision of governance and justice. But to speak as a follower of Jesus, not the Republican or Democratic party, sets your pastor at odds with both.